Cheesus Christo Pizza

Ok, Now this one is even funnier! I wish I had the guts to write like this and even more guts to post something I've written like this! I'm in tears, I'm laughing so hard! This is another recipe taken from http://classyfoodmofo.tumblr.com/

March 17, 2011

Cheesus Christo Pizza

Pizza dough (Make it, buy it, get it. You figure it out, I’m not your mother)

1/2 cup shredded mozzarella
1/3 cup crumbled gorgonzola
1/3 cup grated Parmigiano Reggiano
1/3 cup grated smoked provolone
1/3 cup crumbled feta
fresh fucking thyme
salt and pepper
Olive Oil

Get your oven hot. Get it real hot. 450 degrees hot.

Take the dough and caress it. Knead it. It feels good, doesn’t it? Shape it into a ball. You like balls, don’t you? Just like your mom. You’ll want to put it in your mouth, but don’t. Not yet. Now leave the dough alone. Make it wait for you. That dough is going to be so fucking ready for you in about 20 minutes.

While the dough is waiting, get a pizza pan ready to receive the dough. Take some olive oil and drip it all over that pan. See how it glistens? Now, put your fingers in the oil. Yeah, like that. Rub it all over that pan. That pan is so wet for you now. That dough is bursting with desire to be laid out on that pan. You gotta get that dough ready to go. Lay it right on that pan. Look right at that dough and then finger that dough. Use your fingers to spread that dough, getting it ready to get pounded. Is it ready? Yeah, it’s ready. Now pound that fucking dough. Pound it hard. Pound all the way to the edge of the pan until it can’t take it anymore. Yeah, baby.

That dough is really ready now. That dough is ready to get kinky. That dough wants you to cover it with your cheese. All of your cheese. You’re so ready to blow your cheese. The mozzarella first, then the other cheeses. Except for the feta. Take that feta and crumble it between your fingers. Crumble the fuck out of that feta. Then sprinkle it all over the rest of the cheese. Oh, God, look at it. Pull the thyme leaves off the stalk and make it rain. Look at it. You know what’s next. All it can think about is that burning hot oven. It wants to be inside there. Slide it in, baby.

You want to watch it. You like to watch. Watch it in there, bubbling and browning. Keep looking at it. When it looks like it’s ready for you, pull it out, slow. It came out of there so fucking hard. Let it rest.

After it’s cooled down a bit, you can drizzle some red wine reduction on it. You know you want to. Just so you can lick it off before you go down on that pizza. Mmmmm. That’s right. She’s ready for you now.

For the reduction:

Bottle o’ red wine (Don’t be cheap. Something you’d drink)
cinnamon stick
2-3 bay leaves
1-1.5 tbsp peppercorns
4-5 cloves
1 stalk thyme (don’t worry about taking the leaves off the stem)
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup chicken stock
2-3 tbsp butter
2-3 minced shallots (or about 1/4 cup minced red onions)

Oh, butter. Butter is so naughty. Talk to it. “You ready to melt for me, baby?” Butter is ready. Butter is always ready. Toss one tablespoon of butter into a sauce pan and let it melt over medium heat. Those minced shallots can’t wait to get inside that melted butter. Put them in. Put them in hard. Stir them around until they get soft. Then let some friends in on the action. Add the bay leaves, cinnamon stick, cloves, thyme, and peppercorns. So spicy. Let them heat up real good. Your whole house will smell like spicy sex.

When the shallots have gotten brown and dirty, add the wine and stock. It’s like a jacuzzi for spicy whores. Let the sauce reduce until about 1/3 is left. Constantly taste to check the flavor. You love the taste and and how thick it is. You want it in your mouth.

When the sauce is done, pour it through a fine sieve and then back into the pan. Add the rest of the butter in pieces, stirring so every addition is completely mixed in. Look at that sauce. So velvety and smooth. You want it all right now, but maybe put some in a squeeze bottle to squeeze onto your pizza. Or right into your mouth. Like your mom does.

Fleur De Lis Round The World Pizza

I've travelled all over the country and Canada for business. As a result, I've eaten pizza at all kinds of different locale's including Chicago and NYC, however, the best pizza I've ever had is Fleur de Lis in my home town of Baton Rouge. Fleur De Lis was an existing cocktail lounge out of the city limits on a gravel road, back in 1946, when Mama & Papa Guercio bought it. Mama Guercio decided to make a small pizza as an appetizer for the lounge customers and her pizza was enjoyed so much that she begin to sell them. She originally made the pizza in small pie pans she brought from home. When she realized they needed a larger size, she used a rectangular cookie sheet and the "square" pizza Fleur De Lis is famous for was born.

If you haven't been to Baton Rouge and have the opportunity or if you live there and haven't had a pizza from Fleur De Lis, you need to go! However, if you don't live there anymore and are missing some Fleur De Lis pizza, you are going to love me! I've figured out the Round The World recipe!!! Yep, I finally did it. I don't live in Louisiana and haven't for years so I can't get home to get my fix anymore. I've been craving it therefore, through trial and error, I finally came up with the recipe. It still needs a little tweaking here and there but you would be hard pressed to tell the difference. At any rate this is still a darn good pizza recipe!


Fleur De Lis - Round The World Pizza

Smallest pkg lean ground meat (I prefer lean ground chuck)
1 pkg Mild Italian sausage, removed from casing
1 sm yellow Onion, halved then sliced thin
1-1/2 tsp Fennel
1-1/2 tsp Italian seasoning
1 sm can sliced Black olives, drained
1 sm can sliced Mushrooms, drained
1 sm can Tomato paste
4 tbl Olive oil
Garlic to taste (fresh minced or powdered)
½ tsp Salt
½ tsp pepper
1 tsp Tony’s
Pepperoni
Canadian Bacon (if large round slices, cut into quarters)
3 pkgs sliced Provolone (shredded is better but I couldn’t find it)
3 pizza crusts (I used Boboli store bought or you can prepare your own)
Ground Romano cheese optional

In medium to large skillet, brown ground meat and Italian sausage (removed from casing). As the meat is cooking keep breaking it up so, when it is done, it is ground and not lumpy. Add onion, mushrooms, fennel, Italian seasoning, garlic, olives, tomato paste, olive oil, salt, pepper, Tony's and saute until everything is browned and cooked thoroughly. Taste and adjust seasonings, if necessary.

Alternately place pepperoni and salami on pizza crust and spread cooked meat mixture on top. Make sure to spread it so that it is about a half inch thick, any thicker and the crust will get soggy. Generously top with provolone cheese, one layer of sliced isn’t thick enough so I used two layers. Bake at 425 degrees until cheese is mostly browning on top.
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The quantity of pizza mixture is sufficient for 3 round pizza crusts. I used Boboli but in the future, I am going to make the following Bisquick recipe and press it into a rectangular cookie sheet. A good crust makes all the difference in the world and is crucial to a good pizza. Any leftover meat mixture can be frozen for future use.

2 cups Bisquick
1/2 cup hot water
1 tablespoon olive oil

Preheat oven to 425 degrees. In medium bowl, combine baking mix, water, and olive oil and beat hard until a dough forms. Press dough into a greased pan, dipping your fingers in flour to prevent sticking. Prepare pizza as indicated above.