Friday, March 18, 2011

Cheesus Christo Pizza

Ok, Now this one is even funnier! I wish I had the guts to write like this and even more guts to post something I've written like this! I'm in tears, I'm laughing so hard! This is another recipe taken from

March 17, 2011

Cheesus Christo Pizza

Pizza dough (Make it, buy it, get it. You figure it out, I’m not your mother)

1/2 cup shredded mozzarella
1/3 cup crumbled gorgonzola
1/3 cup grated Parmigiano Reggiano
1/3 cup grated smoked provolone
1/3 cup crumbled feta
fresh fucking thyme
salt and pepper
Olive Oil

Get your oven hot. Get it real hot. 450 degrees hot.

Take the dough and caress it. Knead it. It feels good, doesn’t it? Shape it into a ball. You like balls, don’t you? Just like your mom. You’ll want to put it in your mouth, but don’t. Not yet. Now leave the dough alone. Make it wait for you. That dough is going to be so fucking ready for you in about 20 minutes.

While the dough is waiting, get a pizza pan ready to receive the dough. Take some olive oil and drip it all over that pan. See how it glistens? Now, put your fingers in the oil. Yeah, like that. Rub it all over that pan. That pan is so wet for you now. That dough is bursting with desire to be laid out on that pan. You gotta get that dough ready to go. Lay it right on that pan. Look right at that dough and then finger that dough. Use your fingers to spread that dough, getting it ready to get pounded. Is it ready? Yeah, it’s ready. Now pound that fucking dough. Pound it hard. Pound all the way to the edge of the pan until it can’t take it anymore. Yeah, baby.

That dough is really ready now. That dough is ready to get kinky. That dough wants you to cover it with your cheese. All of your cheese. You’re so ready to blow your cheese. The mozzarella first, then the other cheeses. Except for the feta. Take that feta and crumble it between your fingers. Crumble the fuck out of that feta. Then sprinkle it all over the rest of the cheese. Oh, God, look at it. Pull the thyme leaves off the stalk and make it rain. Look at it. You know what’s next. All it can think about is that burning hot oven. It wants to be inside there. Slide it in, baby.

You want to watch it. You like to watch. Watch it in there, bubbling and browning. Keep looking at it. When it looks like it’s ready for you, pull it out, slow. It came out of there so fucking hard. Let it rest.

After it’s cooled down a bit, you can drizzle some red wine reduction on it. You know you want to. Just so you can lick it off before you go down on that pizza. Mmmmm. That’s right. She’s ready for you now.

For the reduction:

Bottle o’ red wine (Don’t be cheap. Something you’d drink)
cinnamon stick
2-3 bay leaves
1-1.5 tbsp peppercorns
4-5 cloves
1 stalk thyme (don’t worry about taking the leaves off the stem)
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup chicken stock
2-3 tbsp butter
2-3 minced shallots (or about 1/4 cup minced red onions)

Oh, butter. Butter is so naughty. Talk to it. “You ready to melt for me, baby?” Butter is ready. Butter is always ready. Toss one tablespoon of butter into a sauce pan and let it melt over medium heat. Those minced shallots can’t wait to get inside that melted butter. Put them in. Put them in hard. Stir them around until they get soft. Then let some friends in on the action. Add the bay leaves, cinnamon stick, cloves, thyme, and peppercorns. So spicy. Let them heat up real good. Your whole house will smell like spicy sex.

When the shallots have gotten brown and dirty, add the wine and stock. It’s like a jacuzzi for spicy whores. Let the sauce reduce until about 1/3 is left. Constantly taste to check the flavor. You love the taste and and how thick it is. You want it in your mouth.

When the sauce is done, pour it through a fine sieve and then back into the pan. Add the rest of the butter in pieces, stirring so every addition is completely mixed in. Look at that sauce. So velvety and smooth. You want it all right now, but maybe put some in a squeeze bottle to squeeze onto your pizza. Or right into your mouth. Like your mom does.

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