Drunk Ass Cabbage

I found this on another site and belly laughed hysterically! It's from http://classyfoodmofo.tumblr.com/
The site only has three postings but this one was priceless, so I had to share. I'll have to try the recipe as it sounds pretty good too!


March 17, 2011

Drunk ass cabbage for this drunk ass holiday

Hey Seamus McDrunky, it’s St. Patty’s day. The only time you and your significant other can indulge in flatulence fuel without hating each other (except for that place with the nickel burritos on Cinco de Mayo). I’m not going to tell you how to make fucking corned beef. I’m not Encyclopedia fucking Britannica. But you assholes ALWAYS mess up your cabbage. I swear to Jesus Tapdancing Christ if I smell another pot of your fart-smelling cabbage, I’m going to punch you in the goddamn throat. Use this recipe, or your family will hate you forever. If they don’t already.

1/2 a head of cabbage, chopped to shit
1 red onion, sliced so thin you can see your crappy kitchen through it
1 Tbsp vegetable oil
1 cup of white wine, if you can manage to not guzzle it all.
1 Tbsp garlic, minced with a big fucking knife
1 tsp salt
2 Tbsp red wine vinegar

Heat up a big-ass skillet over medium heat with the oil in it. Toss the cabbage and onions and salt in there and stir it like you fucking mean it. Add the wine and cover the pot for about 15 minutes. Go have some shots or something.

Take the cover off and add pour off all that liquid. It hates you. Hate it back. Add the vinegar and garlic. Let it cook for another minute or two. Or not. I don’t even care.

Serve it with corned beef and enjoy fumigating your house tonight.

Cheesus Christo Pizza

Ok, Now this one is even funnier! I wish I had the guts to write like this and even more guts to post something I've written like this! I'm in tears, I'm laughing so hard! This is another recipe taken from http://classyfoodmofo.tumblr.com/

March 17, 2011

Cheesus Christo Pizza

Pizza dough (Make it, buy it, get it. You figure it out, I’m not your mother)

1/2 cup shredded mozzarella
1/3 cup crumbled gorgonzola
1/3 cup grated Parmigiano Reggiano
1/3 cup grated smoked provolone
1/3 cup crumbled feta
fresh fucking thyme
salt and pepper
Olive Oil

Get your oven hot. Get it real hot. 450 degrees hot.

Take the dough and caress it. Knead it. It feels good, doesn’t it? Shape it into a ball. You like balls, don’t you? Just like your mom. You’ll want to put it in your mouth, but don’t. Not yet. Now leave the dough alone. Make it wait for you. That dough is going to be so fucking ready for you in about 20 minutes.

While the dough is waiting, get a pizza pan ready to receive the dough. Take some olive oil and drip it all over that pan. See how it glistens? Now, put your fingers in the oil. Yeah, like that. Rub it all over that pan. That pan is so wet for you now. That dough is bursting with desire to be laid out on that pan. You gotta get that dough ready to go. Lay it right on that pan. Look right at that dough and then finger that dough. Use your fingers to spread that dough, getting it ready to get pounded. Is it ready? Yeah, it’s ready. Now pound that fucking dough. Pound it hard. Pound all the way to the edge of the pan until it can’t take it anymore. Yeah, baby.

That dough is really ready now. That dough is ready to get kinky. That dough wants you to cover it with your cheese. All of your cheese. You’re so ready to blow your cheese. The mozzarella first, then the other cheeses. Except for the feta. Take that feta and crumble it between your fingers. Crumble the fuck out of that feta. Then sprinkle it all over the rest of the cheese. Oh, God, look at it. Pull the thyme leaves off the stalk and make it rain. Look at it. You know what’s next. All it can think about is that burning hot oven. It wants to be inside there. Slide it in, baby.

You want to watch it. You like to watch. Watch it in there, bubbling and browning. Keep looking at it. When it looks like it’s ready for you, pull it out, slow. It came out of there so fucking hard. Let it rest.

After it’s cooled down a bit, you can drizzle some red wine reduction on it. You know you want to. Just so you can lick it off before you go down on that pizza. Mmmmm. That’s right. She’s ready for you now.

For the reduction:

Bottle o’ red wine (Don’t be cheap. Something you’d drink)
cinnamon stick
2-3 bay leaves
1-1.5 tbsp peppercorns
4-5 cloves
1 stalk thyme (don’t worry about taking the leaves off the stem)
1 tsp salt
1/2 cup chicken stock
2-3 tbsp butter
2-3 minced shallots (or about 1/4 cup minced red onions)

Oh, butter. Butter is so naughty. Talk to it. “You ready to melt for me, baby?” Butter is ready. Butter is always ready. Toss one tablespoon of butter into a sauce pan and let it melt over medium heat. Those minced shallots can’t wait to get inside that melted butter. Put them in. Put them in hard. Stir them around until they get soft. Then let some friends in on the action. Add the bay leaves, cinnamon stick, cloves, thyme, and peppercorns. So spicy. Let them heat up real good. Your whole house will smell like spicy sex.

When the shallots have gotten brown and dirty, add the wine and stock. It’s like a jacuzzi for spicy whores. Let the sauce reduce until about 1/3 is left. Constantly taste to check the flavor. You love the taste and and how thick it is. You want it in your mouth.

When the sauce is done, pour it through a fine sieve and then back into the pan. Add the rest of the butter in pieces, stirring so every addition is completely mixed in. Look at that sauce. So velvety and smooth. You want it all right now, but maybe put some in a squeeze bottle to squeeze onto your pizza. Or right into your mouth. Like your mom does.

A Seafood Story and Frog Legs

When I was 6, I found a four-leafed clover. To celebrate, I ran around my yard with glee and then stepped in a huge, warm pile of dog poop. Squishy mess between the toes. Not nice.

And, the time when I was in college and kept a friend's fish aquarium which was placed in an area that received sunlight and when the water got too warm, one of the fish jumped out and, again, I stepped on it, barefoot. It "popped" and I had squishy "stuff" between my toes. Ugh. I actually called a friend, crying, to come clean it up (and my foot) because I was so grossed out. And then I made him carry me outside because I didn't want to walk on the floor!


Don't let me forget to mention the time I was barefoot, running around playing at night, stepped on and squished a frog...sticky slime between the toes is not fun. Nor is it easy to clean off. GAH-ROSS!

But, boy, do they cook up good! Somehow, I am trying to tie this into St. Patrick's day, oh my! Being that it's Lent, and St. Patrick's Day is also St. Joseph's Day which is a Holy Day, no meat is allowed. So seafood is on the menu tonight. But obviously, I have some unfortunate experiences with LIVE seafood! Or being around them barefoot, that is. Look at their little heiney's!

Allow me to expand on Frog Legs. Trust me when I say they taste like chicken because they really do. Fried, Grilled (the most popular ways to cook them), or however they are prepared, they truly (honestly) do taste like chicken and they have the same texture as chicken too. You can take any recipe you have for chicken and use it for Frog Legs and the result will be the same.

I prefer to pan fry or oven bake them after salting and peppering them then dredgeing them in seasoned flour or deep frying using a tempura egg batter coating. However, I've also grilled them using the same ingredients and method for steak: garlic butter, salt and pepper and maybe a little bit of Tony's to taste.

Tempura Egg Batter

Any seafood, chicken or vegetable fried in a tempura batter is so succulent and tasty it's is one of my favorite ways to fry up something special. It's a little extra work but worth it if you want something really good! I always add some Tony's to my batter (about 1 tsp) but here is the original recipe. Have fun!

1 c. flour
1 c. ice water
1 slightly beaten egg
2 tbsp. oil
1/2 tsp. salt

Add flour, oil and egg, stir. Slowly add ice water to avoid lumps. Beat together all ingredients. Dip food in batter and fry in deep hot fat (360 to 365 degrees) until tender and brown.

Green Velvet Cake

I sure wish I had thought to post this sooner. Being back in school for the first time in over 20 years is doing that to me.

Follow the Red Velvet Cake recipe but substitute green food coloring for the red. Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Southern Style Greens

Greens. Mustard, Turnip or Collard. Just Greens, those Greens. That vegetable I despised growing up and was forced to eat. Against my will. Then, in my early 20's, my taste buds changed and I couldn't get enough of them! Now I can positively inhale them!

Unfortunately, I didn't know how to make them so I was always at someone else's mercy to get them and that was too few and far between for me. Luckily for me, a friend's mother-in-law always had someone come cook for her every Monday and this woman made greens to die for. So, one day, I got there early and helped her make them. Best thing I ever did...

Greens are a winter vegetable and are only best after the first hard freeze. If you want to cook fresh greens out of the garden or from a farmer's market, that's when to do it. Otherwise, you can buy frozen greens. I find greens from the grocery store (at other times of the year) are on the bitter side and they shouldn't be bitter.

There are several ways to make greens and you can choose what's best for you. However, this is the "old" way of making them but you can modify the recipe to be more healthy. Sometimes I cook them the original way and other times I cook them "healthier". Also, fresh greens have a lot more volume when uncooked and will wilt down to practically nothing so you need to "eye-ball" your quantities when using fresh greens.

4-5 bunches, 2 plastic sacks, or 3 bags frozen greens (approx)
1/2 pkg salt meat, chopped or 4 strips of bacon (or 3 tbl oil)
1/2 cup onion, chopped
1/2 cup celery, chopped
1/4 cup bellpepper, chopped (optional)
2 tsp chicken bouillon
water
salt
pepper

If using fresh greens, strip the leafy parts off the hard stalks. Then soak and wash the leaves in soapy water 3 times to remove all the dirt, grit and debris. Each time, allow them to soak in the soapy water for about 10 minutes, swishing them around frequently to loosen and remove dirt/grit/debris. Repeat the process at least 3 times or until you are confident all dirt/grit/debris is gone. Rinse well.

Fry salt meat/bacon in a large pot until brown. Add onion, celery and optional bellpepper and cook until wilted.

Add your greens. If using fresh greens, add as much to the pot as possible. Cook the greens and as they wilt, stir to work the uncooked greens down to the bottom of the pot. Keep adding the fresh greens as you can. Add about 1-2 tbl oil, if necessary (this depends on the amount of greens you have).

Once the greens are wilted enough to fit into the pot, add about 2 cups of hot water. You don't want a lot of water, so add the two cups, stir, cover and simmer a few minutes. You want just enough water to cook the greens and keep them moist, that's it. Then add the chicken bouillon.

Stir well to dissolve the bouillon, season with salt and pepper and cover. Reduce heat to medium low and allow to simmer, stirring occasionally. Cook until greens are tender and dark, about an hour. Recheck seasonings, then serve.

Historic Baton Rouge Building

Upon perusing the local paper of my hometown, I found this and thought you all might think it was interesting.

The Lafayette Building, an 8,000-square-foot property, was built in 1762. The building is actually two adjacent buildings of Spanish-Colonial architecture.

The article states, "The north building is believed to have been built in the mid-18th century probably during the time that Louisiana was a province of Spain. It is said that in a previous restoration of the building, workmen found a board dated 1762, leading some people to believe that the building was built in that year. A historic marker says the Lafayette Buildings were erected in 1762 and describes them as the “legendary site” of the Marquis de Lafayette’s visit in 1825".

In 1978, the building was listed on the National Register of Historic Places.

Lent Is Upon Us

Mardi Gras season ended with Ash Wednesday yesterday and now Lent is upon us. Time for all us South Louisiana Catholics to repent for the drunken debauchery we partake in the rest of the year! Mea Culpa!

Lent is the period of the liturgical year from Ash Wednesday to Easter and is a time of sacrifice for Jesus. It lasts for 40 days and culminates with Easter, the celebration of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. On Ash Wednesday, every Friday and on other Holy Days during Lent, we do not eat meat.

Because seafood is acceptable and Louisiana has an abundance of fabulous seafood, we make a lot of our best and favorite seafood dishes during Lent. I've linked seafood recipes and other non-meat recipes that I've previously posted on the site so you can peruse them easily.

Shrimp Jambalaya
Seafood Gumbo
Seafood Eggplant Casserole
Cajun Cornbread Casserole
Copeland's of New Orleans Hot Crab Claws
Barbeque Shrimp
Crawfish Bisque
Garlic Cheese Grits Just Add Shrimp!
Shrimp Salad
French Onion Soup
Chicken Enchiladas Substitute the chicken for Shrimp!
Vegetable Boil Season it up some more and add any seafood!
Shrimp and Spinach Salad or Dip
Creole Crawfish Etouffee
Crawfish Stew
Spinach Madeline Add some lump crabmeat or shrimp!
Shrimp Creole
Spaghetti Alla Puttanesca

Shrimp Jambalaya

Mmmmm, Mmmm, Chere! Talk about some good eating, Shrimp Jambalaya is one of my favorite dishes. Shrimp Jambalaya is a Creole or Red rice dish made with tomatoes as opposed to a meat based Cajun jambalaya that has no tomatoes and is darker from the browing of the meat. You can compare this recipe to my Jambalaya recipe that I posted last year.

Shrimp Jambalaya is very popular throughout the year but particularly during Lent when us crazy South Louisiana Catholics observe the penance of not eating meat on Friday's to make up for all of our debauchery the rest of the year! This recipe is taken from the old New Orleans Ursuline Nun's cookbook entitled "Recipes and Reminiscences of New Orleans" published back in 1971. I don't know about the rest of the nation but Popeye's Fried Chicken restaurants in Louisiana serve Shrimp Jambalaya during Lent just for us! Ahhh, eeiiii!

Shrimp Jambalaya

4 lbs large raw shrimp, peeled
3 tbls oil
1 onion, chopped
4 stalks celery, chopped
1 small bellpepper, chopped
3 green onions, chopped
1/4 cup fresh parsley, chopped
2 large cans diced tomatoes
1 small can tomato sauce
4 cloves garlic, chopped
1 bay leaf
1 tsp thyme
1/4 tsp cayenne pepper, or to taste
1 tsp salt, or to taste
2 cups parboiled rice (see Tips and Information)
3 cups water

Peel the shrimp and set aside. In a large pot, saute onion, celery and bellpepper in oil until wilted and onions are clear. Add parsley, tomatoes, tomato sauce, garlic and seasonings, stir well. Cover and simmer about 5 minutes.

Add rice and water, bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low (or warm if your stove runs hot) and stir in shrimp. Cover tightly. Allow to cook untouched for 25-30 minutes. Peek under the lid to see if rice is cooked. Stir to fluff the rice and serve with a nice salad.

Seafood Gumbo

Seafood Gumbo is my very favorite gumbo of all and I just don't get enough of it. Since I moved away from Louisiana, I don't have access to the seafood ingredients like I did before and I am spoiled. I don't do well with substitutions with this recipe! But, if you've never had it before, you won't notice like I do, particularly since I am a "foodie"!

This is a tradtional seafood gumbo recipe that is a staple in South Louisiana homes particularly during the Lenten Season. There are so many different versions/variations of gumbo recipes, but this is a tried and true, easy recipe to make. Whatever you do, do not substitute fake crabmeat or Alaskan King Crab leg meat for the real claw or lump crabmeat; it's just not the same. The crabmeat and oysters can usually be found in the grocery store butcher section or specialized frozen seafood section. If you can't find crabmeat, find some uncooked whole crab (or claws), clean them and drop them in the pot! Cest Ce Bon!

Seafood Gumbo

3 tbl Oil
3 tbl Flour
3 lbs raw shrimp, peeled
1 lb claw or lump crabmeat, or 4 raw whole crab, cleaned
1 lb raw shucked oysters
1 med onion, chopped
4 stalks celery, chopped
1/2 bell pepper, chopped
4 cloves garlic, minced
1 can diced tomatoes
1 10 oz pkg frozen sliced okra
Tony’s, salt and pepper
Parboiled rice

In large pot, combine oil and flour and make a dark brown roux (see Tips and Information on how to make a roux). Add onion and stir well; then add okra and blend well. Add all other vegetables except tomato and allow to cook down, cover if necessary to retain moisture. Add about 4 cups of water, tomato, and seasonings; blend well. Cook down for about an hour and a half adding more water if necessary. Recheck seasonings. Add oysters and shrimp, stir and cook about 5 minutes. Fold in crabmeat and remove pot from heat. Cover and allow to sit about 5 more minutes. Serve over rice.

Seafood Eggplant Casserole

Seafood Eggplant Casserole is a dish I usually make in the summer with plenty of fresh shrimp and nice eggplant. While there are many seafood eggplant recipes out there, this one is my favorite and is more "cajun" than "greek". When combining ingredients, I usually mash the eggplant but it can be left in chunks also.

Seafood Eggplant Casserole

2 lg eggplants
2 lb of crawfish or shrimp
1/2 stick butter
1 cup onion chopped
4 green onions chopped
4 cloves garlic minced
2-3 ribs celery chopped
2 tbl parsley
1 tsp poultry seasoning
1-1/2 cups Italian breadcrumbs
1 tsp salt, or to taste
1/2 tsp pepper,or to taste
1/4 tsp tobasco, or to taste

Cut eggplant in half and boil till soft. Remove, cool and scoop out pulp. Set aside. Saute seafood in butter. Add vegetables and saute till wilted. Add eggplant and seasonings and mix well. Cook about 7 – 10 min. Add breadcrumbs and seafood, mix well and remove from heat. Use white wine, cream or chicken stock to thin if necessary. Pour in casserole dish, dot with butter and sprinkle with more bread crumbs. Bake at 350 till brown.

Cajun Cornbread Casserole

One of our favorite casseroles in South Louisiana is Cajun Cornbread Casserole. Cajun Cornbread Casserole is an excellent and versitile dish that we serve at Thanksgiving or Christmas but it can be adapted for Lent by eliminating the sausage. Also, it can be served as an entree or side dish. If you don't want to make your own cornbread or can't find the Pioneer mix, just buy what you can find but check the ingredients. You don't want to use a mix that has too much sugar in it thus making the casserole too sweet.

Cajun Cornbread Casserole

2 pkgs Pioneer Yellow Cornbread Mix or homemade cornbread
1/2 cup unsalted butter
1/2 cup green onions, chopped
1/2 cup celery, chopped
1/2 cup bell pepper, chopped
1 lb of Louisiana crawfish tails, chopped
1 lb shrimp, peeled
1/2 lb chopped hot sausage
1/2 cup milk
1 can cream style corn
2 whole eggs, beaten
1 cup mild cheddar cheese, shredded
1/4 cup parsley
Tony’s

Bake cornbread as directed per package instructions or make homemade cornbread. Crumble into a large mixing bowl. Melt the butter in a large sauce pan; add onions, celery, and bell pepper sauté mixture until the onions clear. Add crawfish tails, shrimp, sausage. Cook for about 5 minutes, stirring often. Add milk and cream corn, stir until mixture is fully blended. Fold all ingredients into the bowl of crumbled cornbread, along with eggs, cheese, and parsley. Mix well, season with Tony’s to taste, transfer to a baking dish, and bake it at 350 degrees for 45 minutes.

Copeland's of New Orleans Hot Crab Claws

I went to Copeland's with a friend a while back and we ordered the Hot Crab Claws for our appetizer. I never had them before and boy, I really missed out all these years! They were divine! Doing what I always do when I find a new dish I love, I picked through it figure out what was in it. That evening I looked on the internet and I found Copeland's recipe! It's so easy to make and if you buy enough claws, you can make a meal off this with a nice salad to go with it. If you can't find crab claws, they can be substituted with crawfish or shrimp. Enjoy!

Copeland's of New Orleans Hot Crab Claws

2 teaspoons garlic
1 teaspoon parsley, chopped
2 tablespoon scallions, chopped
2 tablespoons butter, divided
2 teaspoons Cajun seasoning
6 ounces fresh crab claws, crawfish tails or shrimp
3 ounces chicken stock
1 ounce Italian dressing

Place seasoning, herbs, garlic and half the butter in a preheated skillet; saute until butter is melted. Add seafood, chicken stock and Italian dressing; increase heat to high and toss until seafood is cooked through. Add remaining butter; swirl into the sauce. Do not boil. Serve immediately with buttered and toasted French Bread slices.

Barbeque Shrimp

This recipe is a true, bonafide South Louisiana Bar-B-Q Shrimp dish that is made entirely in the oven. If you can find shrimp in your area with the heads on, do so. It really adds to the flavor of the dish. If not, just make sure you cook the shrimp with the shells on....do not peel them first! Also, some recipes call for lemon slices to be added but I find it makes the sauce bitter so, just juice the lemon and discard the rest.

4 lbs shrimp with shells on (heads on, if possible)
1/2 lb butter
3-4 tbl Worcestershire sauce
3 tbl pickapepper sauce
1-1/2 tsp pepper
1/2 tsp rosemary
1 lg lemon
1 tsp tabasco
4 tsp salt
4 cloves garlic sliced

Melt butter in large casserole dish and add all ingredients except lemon. Cut lemon in half and squeeze the juice, add to mixture. Bake in oven at 350 until done. Serve in large soup bowls with lots of sauce and toasted french bread for dipping.

Spaghetti Alla Puttanesca

Let's face it, we all love spaghetti! I know I did and so did my sister. When she was in elementary school (about 8 or 9 yrs old), she declared that she loved spaghetti so much that she was going to marry an Italian man (a doctor) and eat spaghetti every day for the rest of her life.

Then she would slurp that noodle into her mouth with such force, the end would slap her chin, nose, cheek...you get the picture. Well, she married an Italian but he was a CPA. As far as eating spaghetti every day, ummmm, she sure could...if he let her!

As I've aged my tastes have changed and I don't care for all the sauce as much. So, I set out on a quest to find another way to enjoy pasta and still have the same flavors. And guess what? My sister, the spaghetti loving slurper, acquired a new recipe from a friend and it was to die for. This robust combination is known as Spaghetti Alla Puttanesca which I usually serve with a chicken breast or pan-fried fish.

1 lg can tomatoes, cut into chunks
2 tbls olive oil
2 - 4 anchovy filets , optional
3 - 4 plump garlic cloves, minced
1/2 tsp dried oregano
1/2 small jar capers, drained
1 small can sliced black olives
1 pkg spaghetti
2 tbls parsley
1/4 cup grated Parmesan
Salt
Pepper

Put pasta on to boil. Optional: Soak anchovies for 15 minutes in water then rinse and chop. Heat the oil on medium heat in a large skillet or pan. Add the optional anchovies saute, then crush with the back of a spoon until they fall apart.

Add the tomatoes with juice, garlic, capers, olives and seasonings. Saute about 15 to 25 minutes. Taste and adjust salt and pepper. Cover and keep warm.

Cook the pasta, strain, and rinse the pot. When the pasta is strained return it to the pot and put it on medium heat. Add the sauce and cheese. Toss together over medium heat until it is well coated. Serve.